Three former Wheaton North Falcon High School (Gina's alma mater) students are at a reunion and discussing their favorite holiday. The first says my favorite holiday is Valentine's day, because Santa brings all the presents and you put up the decorated tree. The second alum says, "You have not clue...that’s Christmas your thinking of." Then proceeds to say that his favorite is Thanksgiving because you get to cook out and shoot off fireworks. The third Wheatie says, "That’s Independence Day you dummy!" He then declares that his favorite holiday is Easter. The other two ask, "What do you know about Easter?" He replies, "Easter is when Jesus died on the cross for us then was placed in a tomb and after 3 days he rolled the stone from in front of the tomb. If he sees his shadow there's six more weeks of bad weather!"
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend and I committed a forbidden act.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze a fresh lemon into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
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Joe: I sold my wife's piano and bought her a clarinet.
Dan: Why?
Joe: You can't sing while you play the clarinet!
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Man to bartender: How late does the band play?
Bartender: Oh, usually about a half beat behind the drummer.
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Dan: Your wife sings like a pirate.
Joe: What do you mean?
Dan: She's murder on the high "C's"!
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Three men died and when they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter quizzed them all.
"What's your IQ?" he asked the first man.
"210," the man replied.
"Wow," St. Peter replied. "Maybe we can discuss theoretical physics sometime."
"What's your IQ?" St. Peter asked the second man.
"170," the man said.
"Great," St. Peter said. "Maybe we can discuss quantum mechanics sometime."
Then St. Peter asked the third man, "What's your IQ?"
"40," said the man.
"Hey," said St. Peter, "How long were you in Congress?"
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A Texan farmer went on vacation in Australia. He toured an Australian farmer's field, which the Aussie was proud to show off.
"That's nothin'," said the Texan. "We have fields twice as large as this back home."
Next the Australian farmer showed off his cattle, but the Texan was still unimpressed. "We have longhorns twice as big back home in Texas."
Just then, several kangaroo bounded across the road.
"Woah, look at that!" exclaimed the Texan.
"What?" chimed the Aussie. "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"
Jason Aldean fans will be happy to learn the singer's untitled fifth studio album will be in their hands by year's end. Jason tells us that the follow up to his 2010 My Kinda Party CD is in the can:
© 2012
