A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident. "
The stranger asks, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with? "
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money. "
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache! "
He says, "Aha! "
Did I ever tell you I almost married a psychic?
Yeah, but she left me before we met!
Gina was fishing down the stream when the game warden came upon her.
"Ma'am," he says. "Did you not see the sign that says, 'Nuclear Contamination Waters?'"
"Sh'yah..." said Gina. "Have you never hear of 'nuclear fission'?"
After examining a 3000 year old mummy, an archeologist announces, “It's a body of a man who died of heart attack.”
A student asks, “How can you tell?”
The archaeologist replies, “I examined a piece of parchment found in the mummy's hand.”
The student asks, “What does it say?”
The archeologist replies, “It was a betting slip that said 5000 on Goliath.”
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A man asks a trainer in the gym,"I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied, “Use the ATM outside the gym!"
-Kat 103 listener Ray
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
"Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
"And, gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
That couple wasn't back the following week.